Own happiness

I have been thinking for a while. I ask myself, will I ever achieve happiness? As said before, it always seems like I need something else, my life just doesn't seem worth it. I always dream, I wish so much that things can be different. I try to listen to music, to loosen the distraction from the world so that I can create my own world where I can be happy. Another way that I loose myself from this world is by playing video games. I play them so much, that I either imagine myself in that world as an important person, or I'm too busy playing with my friends online. I need to do this because sadly I can't find happiness in my house. But why? Why can't I find happiness in my own home? I look around and see fake smiles, I don't know if they are putting on a mask for me so that I don't go emotionally crazy, or that they can't be mad at me. The only person I could talk to at my house was my Brother. It wasn't a close relationship like other kids, but I could ask him questions, he the same. He was a person at my house who I could in a way, rely on for help. But time moves on, he's now at college, and I don't blame him for going, it's his right. Now though, since he has left, all pressure has been placed on myself. I can't make one mistake without it being shown to the entire world it seems. This idea of my alternate world slows me down, yet I can't go past it. Maybe because it has become a habit of mine, creating this world for over five years now. I can't move past it, and I don't know why.